copyandcigarettes.com

Well, that’s it.  I retire.

A search for “Shamwow Douchebag” on Google brings this blog up as number 1.  It’s all very exciting.

By the way, I don’t retire.  It might seem that way from the lack of updates.  I’ve been real busy.  Oh sorry, I meant lazy.

But Vince Offer, the Shamwow Guy, is a total douchebag.  And now hundreds of people who search the internet for that phrase will find me.  Now if only I could get “I want to have sex with the copy and cigarettes writer” to turn up some hits I’d really be onto something…

You know, running up until the election I was on a strickly MSNBC/CNN news diet, with probably 75% of my viewing split towards MSNBC.  But now that it’s over and Obama won, well now it’s all about Fox News, baby!

Seriously, if you’re not watching Fox News these days, you are *missing out*.  My favorite is Hannity and Colmes, although O’Reilly’s been moderately entertaining as well.  I haven’t watched nearly enough, because no matter how funny it is there’s only so much Fox News one person can take.

Anyway, not TWO days after the election, that slimy piece of shit Dick Morris was on Hannity (actually, I think he’s there every night and I also believe he’s a bad representation of us jews, can we kick him out?) and talking out of his ass as usual.

The market tanked another 500 points that day.  Of course, if you recall, in the weeks leading up to the election there were days with swings of 800 points or more.  And Dick Morris, amazing economic expert that he is, blamed the 500 point downturn on OBAMA.

Obama was elected not two days before and is about 50 something days short of taking office, but somehow, some way, HE’S ALREADY RESPONSIBLE FOR A 500 POINT ONE DAY LOSS IN THE MARKET!

Morris explained it’s because Obama wants to raise capital gains taxes, so naturally everyone is pulling their money out of the market!

This guy can’t actually believe he’s saying this can he?  I mean, he can’t actually believe this can he???

Supposing that Obama does plan on raising capital gains taxes, THIS IS NOT HOW THE MARKET WORKS.  THIS IS NOT HOW THE ECONOMY WORKS.

However, I do think it’s particularly awesome that the crazy conservative right has already found ways to blame Obama for the tanking economy a good two months before he takes office.  Pretty awesome.

Here are some other things we can blame Obama for already: global warming (oh wait, it doesn’t really exist), killer bees, any new movie with Paris Hilton.

Really, watch more Fox News.  It’s amazing.

So I apparently had a joke stolen from me the other day by someone at the George Carlin appreciation thing at the Kennedy Center the other night.  I forgot who made the joke (Richard Belzer maybe?) but it was my joke first goddammit.  Sure he gave the abridged version, is much more talented than me, and probably thought of it before I did, but dammit, I thought I was being original?  And now that I’ve given too much intro it won’t be remotely funny.

However, when Barack Obama came out on Tuesday night and gave his acceptance speech, I was like, it would be super awesome if he came out wearing a daishiki.  He could have been like “Praise Allah!  Praise Allah we did it!”  And then Osama Bin Laden would have come out of the crowd and they would have laughed and hugged each other.  “Oh we got them good Osama!  Where’s Bill Ayers, is Bill Ayers in he house?”  And then Ayers would like, blow up half the crowd before leaping on stage.  “My man, Bill Ayers!  We did it, Bill!  Praise Allah”

Of course, none of us would have understood it all anyway since he would be speaking Arabic.

Ba dum ching.

Anyway, maybe that wasn’t that funny.  In Richard Belzer’s performance, he apparently said he was going to give Obama’s inauguration speech and then starting talking in faux arabic.

Yes, yes, very funny Richard Belzer.  I guess I won’t be adding this to my currently non existent routine.  Thank you.

So I got passed along an “Award” from my sister-in-law, which as far as I can tell is a chain letter via blog.  I also received an email from her telling me that I need to update.

And she’s right.  I do need to update.  But give me a break here, I just moved into a new place, work’s stressing me out, there’s an election going on (okay that has nothing to do with anything) AND I’m wanted for double murder.

Okay, everything but the last part.  But I have been moving and I’m finally pretty much settled so hopefully I can get back to blogging.  And what an exciting time to get back to it!  There’s an election on Tuesday!  Basketball season has started again!  The Redskins are 6-2!  I have my own apartment and thanks to this awesome scented candle it smells like pumpkin!  Life is wonderful!

Anyway, according to the “award” I received

(Editor’s note: as I write this I’m watching Sunday Night Football and they’ve now played Evenflow by Pearl Jam and Low by Cracker.  While I love music from the mid 90’s…come on NBC, it’s 2008)

I’m supposed to blog about six things I love.  And I’m in such a great mood this weekend that I won’t even be an asshole and turn this into six things I hate.

On the SIL’s blog (that’s short for Sister-in-Law, I’m not sure if I’m allowed to call her by name even though it’s right there in her blog URL) she didn’t even give reasons.  She just made a list.  Now that some lazy blogging.  So without further ado, here’s my list of six things I love:

1) My New Apartment.  I love my new apartment.  Sure, it’s only been a week that I’ve been in here and any number of disasters could occur.  Rodent infestation.  Flooding.  Blood spewing out of the faucets.  Evil clowns showing up in my closet.   But for now it’s great.  I’m all alone,  I can walk around in my pink tutu all day long without fear of embarrassment, I can get up in the middle of the night and eat an entire box of Thin Mints without fear of being caught and looking like a sad person.  Shit, I can do anything.  I love it.

2) I love the Jealous Sound.  They are the best band ever even if it’s a giant mystery if they’re even still together or alive.  If you don’t know them you should check them out.

3)  I love food.  I love steak and I love chicken wings and I love mushrooms and I love hamburgers and I love strawberries and I love Mexican food and I love Italian food and I love Indian food and I love Thai food and I love Middle Eastern food and I love Chinese food and I love Sushi and I wish I could spend every day sitting around eating.
4)  I love hot candle wax.  I love sticking my finger in it and letting it dry and then peeling it off.  It’s a lot of fun and I’ve recently discovered how happy it makes me.

5)  I love South Park.  It’s the best show on television and if you don’t watch it you’re doing yourself a disservice.  It’s the only show on television that has gotten better every single year.  Even Seinfeld kinda sucked the last season or two.  The Office s starting to trail off (this season has SUCKED).  But South Park.  Well, it never stops getting funnier.

6) I love you.  Because you take out some time every other day to come to my blog and read the stupid shit I write that is mostly not entertaining.

Thank you.

SIL - Am I supposed to pass this thing along to someone?

I don’t get all the screaming by GOP supporters about Obama being a socialist.

Earth to the USA - we just gave our banks 800 billion dollars.

Now I don’t know the definition of socialism, but this is close.  And Obama isn’t the president.

watch

I hate the UPS Whiteboard Guy.

You know, this asshole:

I don’t really know why I hate him. God knows there are way more annoying pitch people (Vince Offer, the Shamwow Douchebag comes to mind). But I just do. I hate this guy.

There’s nothing particular hateable about him, and I think that’s why I hate him.

He’s just like…not likeable.

He’s like the guy at the party who knows everything. You’ll be standing there drinking a beer and he’ll start talking to you about the fermentation process. You’ll try to change the topic to sports and he’ll begin detailing the intricacies of the Single Wing formation. The guy…well he’s just a douche.

This also isn’t to mention that I’m not a huge fan of UPS. I work in a career where shipping is very important, and the industry standard, unfortunately, is UPS. In every instance I’ve had a problem with shipping something it’s never Fedex. It’s UPS. Granted, the ratio of UPS to Fedex is probably 5:1, but still.

Fuck you UPS Whiteboard Guy. Nobody wants to know how beer is fermented.  They just want to drink it.

I just found out that Deal or No Deal (DOND from here on out) is now SYNDICATED so that idiots who enjoy it CAN WATCH IT EVERY SINGLE DAY!

Yippee Hooray!

I’ve written extensively about DOND and if you’ve missed it I suggest you search the archives.  If you like DOND you are a moron.  Period, end of story.

When I meet people these days the first thing I ask them is “What do you think of Deal or No Deal?”

Then they usually ask me to kindly put my pants back on.  But AFTER that, if they tell me they like it, I no longer have any use for them.

If you like DOND you are a moron.  It’s that simple.

And now it’s syndicated.

Idiots nationwide can watch DOND every day.  They can sit on their couches and yell at the television to PICK NUMBER 9!  or TAKE THE DEAL!  FOR THE LOVE OF GOD TAKE THE DEAL!

Fuck this country is dumb.

In celebrity news, Jamie Lynn Spears is supposedly pregnant again.

The rumor is, and I don’t see any reason why it wouldn’t be true, that she thought you can’t get pregnant when you’re breastfeeding.

I’m going to write that again.

The rumor is that she thought you couldn’t get pregnant again if you’re breastfeeding.

Now, this might not be true.  This might all just be rumor.  But doesn’t that sound just dumb enough to be true?  I mean, this sounds like a Talk Sex with Sue question.  Perhaps she should have called in with it when the show was still airing.

Here’s some other fun sex facts:

You can’t get pregnant from swallowing semen because the digestive system is not related to the reproductive system.

You cannot make your dick bigger by swallowing pills.  Sorry.

You probably shouldn’t eat things that have been inserted into your ass.

I’ve got more if you need them, Jamie Lynn.

Maybe I’ll write more on the subject later, but while the thought is in my head…

So this country has some money problems.  You know, partially because we just gave a bunch of retarded banks 700 billion dollars (oh and don’t forget about the 100 billion+ in pork added to the bill to get it passed).

What I want to know is, where is this money coming from?  Don’t get me started on what else we could do with it (the government could “nationalize” my new HDTV for one).  Where’s it coming from?  800 billion doesn’t just fall out of the sky, does it?

Here’s where we could start: marijuana.  Legalize it.  Make the whole damn thing government run.  And sell it.

How many millions of people smoke weed recreationally?  I don’t know, but I bet it’s a lot.

I bet if the government legalized marijuana and you know, REGULATED IT (maybe something they should have been doing better with our wonderful banks), we could make back 700 billion in less than a year.  Millions of people are doing it anyway.  Why not make billions of dollars off of it?

This doesn’t even make mention of the amount of money that will be saved by not prosecuting and locking up for marijuana related offenses.

Alas, I’m sure it won’t happen, but it’s an idea.

I had heard of her, never watched these videos.  This made me laugh a few times.

I’m pissed off.

This bailout pisses me off.  The irresponsible people in this country (from what I can tell the vast majority) piss me off.

Try being responsible.

On cable television, maybe one out of eight commercials is for one of the two following things:

1) Tax Relief

What, you don’t know how to pay your fucking taxes and now you owe the government tens of thousands of dollars?

Hey, why don’t you TRY BEING RESPONSIBLE.

2) Credit card debt relief

What, you bought a bunch of shit on your credit card that you can’t afford and that’s charging you 18% interest now?

Hey, why don’t you TRY BEING RESPONSIBLE.

Don’t get me started on the fucking bailout.  We’re now bailing out banking institutions who speculated unwisely, partially in the housing market, giving loans to irresponsible people who bought houses they couldn’t afford.

I don’t feel bad for anyone who’s having their home foreclosed on.  You buy a house with some ridiculous payment structure that you can’t afford, what do you think is going to happen?  And when all these banks give loans to people who can’t pay them back, what do you think is going to happen?

And now, people like ME, the maybe 5% of the population that IS responsible who pay our taxes, who pay our credit cards, are now shelling out another 700 billion dollars to make up for everyone who isn’t responsible.

Hey you fucking assholes in this country, try being responsible.  Live within or better yet below your means.

I’m so pissed off.

My favorite part of the Katie Couric/Sarah Palin interview was when Sarah Palin couldn’t name a single newspaper she reads.

I read anything that’s put in front of me!

Jesus Christ, this lady might be the vice president?

But when I saw this it reminded me of something.  I searched and searched but couldn’t find the clip on Youtube.  This was eerily similar to when George Costanza interviewed for a job at Pendant Publishing.  During the interview, Elaine’s boss asks George what authors he reads and he responds with something like “Flavin” as he covers his mouth so you can’t tell what he’s saying.

In the above clip of Governor Palin, didn’t she essentially do the same thing?  “What newspapers do you read?”  “I like…Flavin?”

If anyone can find this clip from Seinfeld, that would be spectacular.  I’d love to watch them back to back.

This lady is so completely unqualified, probably even for the job she currently has, that it’s really, really, really, scary.

On a related note, I was actually pretty impressed with Biden during that debate.  I know very little about the guy, but now I’m kinda wishing that he was on the top of the ticket and not on the bottom.  I think that the polls that are out can’t really be trusted, I mean, do you think the people of this country will REALLY elect a black man president?  I think that’s really some naive thinking…

Anyway, I’m off to go read whatever gets put in front of me now.

Life is funny sometimes.

In case you have not heard, OJ was convicted on the 12 or 13 counts of robbery and kidnapping that he was charged with and is now facing 5 years to life in prison.

And…I feel kinda bad for him.

I mean, okay, we all know the OJ Simpson is a murderer.  Anyone that disagrees with that now is either insane or really fucking stupid.  Or Vince Offer.  But, he did get off.  OJ worked the system and got off.  Sure, it was bullshit and yes he was supremely guilty, but he did get off.

Now, he’s going to jail for a completely unrelated crime.  But there’s no way that he’s not going to jail for the first crime he committed.  That double murder that is.

And I mean, it’s hard to describe.  I feel like the fucker is getting what he deserved, but like…not really?  I mean, from what I know about the whole kidnapping/robbery thing, it sounds like…and I hate to say this, but it sounds like he was totally setup.  But for real this time.

It’s such a weird feeling I have about this and I can’t quite describe it.  It’s like…I’m glad he’s going to jail finally but I also feel bad for him.

But the part that I don’t understand at all is this:  let’s say you’re OJ Simpson and let’s say you killed two people in 1995.  Then let’s say that your spectacular legal defense team and retarded jury allowed you to walk for it.  Wouldn’t you spend the rest of your life, you know, making sure you didn’t do anything remotely illegal?  If I was OJ, after that trial for the double murder, I would have moved to an island somewhere, bought a house on the beach, and never, ever, ever did anything remotely illegal.  I wouldn’t smoke cigarettes, I wouldn’t drink alcohol, I wouldn’t even drive a car.  I would give nobody any reason to ever, ever, ever, ever arrest me for anything.

How can one person be so stupid…so callous as to (maybe) orchestrate an armed robbery for a buch of stuff?  I mean, you have to know that every police officer in the country is just waiting, waiting for ANY OPPORTUNITY TO PUT YOU AWAY FOR SOMETHING.

So for that reason, for stupidity alone, OJ should be going to jail.

So I mean, I’m happy he’s being put away, I hope they send him to a federal pound me in the ass prison.  But I also feel bad for him.  I feel bad because this whole thing was totally shady and I feel bad because he’s really going to jail for a crime that he committed but got away with.  Does that make any sense?  Anyone else feel similar?

SHAMWOW SUCKS!

And I heard Vince Offer is a republican.

Note: Vince and the rest of Shamwow guys, you were warned.

Do you ever sit around watching the Game Show Network and in between episodes of laughing your ass off at the comedic genius Richard Karn catch the commercials for Shamwow?

Well if so, then you might be wondering if this product actually works.

No, it does not.

In fact, SHAMWOW SUCKS BIG FAT DONKEY BALLS.

Shamwow might in fact be, the crappiest thing you could ever buy from an infomercial.  Instead of buying the super shitty Shamwow, maybe you should buy yourself a juicer, Crazy Putty, Oxyclean, or a Raised Aerobed.  Why?  BECAUSE SHAMWOW SUCKS BIG FAT DONKEY BALLS.

I can’t believe they can even get away with selling this thing.  First of all, it’s made in Germany.  And while Vince Offer, “The Shamwow Guy,” claims that Germans make good things, what he fails to mention is that ALL GERMANS ARE NAZIS.  Vince Offer also fails to mention that SHAMWOW SUCKS BIG FAT DONKEY BALLS.

If this is the best that German engineering has to offer, well then I am not impressed.  Vince is wrong, you’re better off spending hundreds of dollars a month on paper towels than investing in even one super shitty piece of junk Shamwow.

Vince Offer brings shame onto all the great infomercial peddlers such as the Juiceman, Billy Mays, and the Midgets who sell Real Estate.  If there’s one thing in the world that SUCKS BIGGER DONKEY BALLS THAN SHAMWOW it would have to be VINCE OFFER.  Vince Offer’s stomach is so full of giant donkey balls that he can’t even eat an entire meal.

SHAMWOW SUCKS!

I guess the big news last week is that Clay Aiken came out of the closet.

This is news?  Really People Magazine?

Do you think there’s anyone out there who reads People magazine that was surprised to see this?  Is there anyone out there dumb enough who was like “Holy fucking shit!  Clay Aiken is gay!  My whole world is upside down!”

What I really wonder is if there is anyone out there who is a huge Clay Aiken fan but also really hates gay people.  Is this person having an existential crisis right now?  “How can I justify my love for Clay Aiken now that I know he’s a dirty homo?”

The part that’s really tough is that he just had a kid.  And I feel really, really bad for his kid.  Not because his father is gay though.  But because his father is Clay Aiken.

I guess they asked Lance Bass what Clay Aiken should expect now that he’s out.  Um, a lot more dick?  Yeah, I’m going to go with that.

What next?  Dinah Lohan is a terrible mother?  Sarah Palin doesn’t know what a vice president does?

Driving home today I saw a bumper sticker that said “Please be Kind to Cyclists.”

What does that even mean?

If I’m out at lunch and some idiot in spandex and a helmet walks in, am I supposed to buy him a drink?  Do I ask him how his wife and children are?

I mean, I’m kind to cyclists in the sense that you know, I try to avoid hitting them with my car when I’m driving.  Is that what this sticker is supposed to mean?  I think it is.  If so, shouldn’t it just say “Please try to avoid hitting cyclists while you’re driving?”

Please be Kind to Cyclists is just so…general.  And do we even really need stickers that say “Please try to avoid hitting cyclists while you’re driving?”

Here are some other bumper stickers this guy should have on his car:

“Try to not run down blind people crossing the road.”

“Always stop at red lights!”

“Don’t get carjacked!”

Stupid.

Joe, I was actually home this past weekend.  I may or may not be moving back soon and will always be down for cards if/when I am.  You ever hear from Doodle?  Brock is the man.

Arlene, no time.  Perhaps next time.

That is all.