Alright, due to the HUGE response part 1 generated, I figured I’d continue these.  Also I was drunk and Game of Thrones was too difficult to follow, so why not toss on another episode of my favorite bad tv show of all time, Law and Order: Criminal Intent!

This episode was a real doozy and one I’d never seen before.

Season 1, Episode Twelve

EPISODE TITLE: Crazy!

And boy was it!  This entire episode was so stupid and convoluted I’m not even sure I can describe it well, but just like Detectives Goren and Eames, no case should be too difficult for me to recap, no matter how stupid it might be.

The episode opens on Steve Keaton from Family Ties sitting in a crowded restaurant talking to what I imagine Albert Brooks looked like when he was 30 years old.  Mr. Keaton takes a call and steps away only to show nobody in particular that he was recording his entire dinner conversation, boy that’s odd!  We also learn that Mr. Keaton is a prosecution friendly expert psychiatric witness and is attempting to date a girl that is WAY too hot and young for him, played here by former supermodel Stephanie Seymour.  He makes various promises to her while trying to get her drunk enough to have sex with his corpse.  Help with a traffic ticket here, a fill-in for a bridge game there, you know, promises.  She refuses his advances because, I’m guessing, she has eyes.

No more, Grandpa, I have to drive.

Next, Mr. Keaton shows up at a Bar Mitzvah, per his non-girlfriend’s request.  Keaton or Dr. Charles Webb as he goes by in this universe, was brought to the Bar Mitzvah by his non-girlfriend because the non-girlfriend’s sister is having some weird problem with her 4 year old kid.  He’s a criminal psychiatrist after all so naturally he’s the perfect person to talk to her.  We all know that there’s nothing that 4 year old girls like more than talking to creepy old men they don’t know.  The non-girlfriend’s sister is also recently estranged from her rich heart surgeon husband and it’s their kid having the Bar Mitzvah.  Got all that?  Come on, keep up, nobody said this episode was simple.

Next thing you know, the Bar Mitzvah boy’s father is dead in the bathroom.  Hey, you know what they say about dead, Jewish doctors?  I don’t either but I bet it’s racist.

OPENING CREDITS!

Eames and Goren are on the scene and we’re about to get a taste of Goren’s previously established olfactory ability when he smells gin on the back of the victims neck.  Wait, really?  I’m still trying to piece together what happened here.  Either the killer poured gin onto the back of the victims neck,  or, I don’t know, magic.  Whatever it is, I suppose the scent of gin shows up on the back of the victim’s neck.  Ok, sure, let’s just go with it.

Shhhh, I love you.

Naturally, they go talk to the ex-wife because she’s the only suspect so far as they don’t have all of the knowledge we do that somehow Steve Keaton is involved, after all he was the only focus during the cold open so he’s obviously involved.  If only Goren and Eames had Netflix they could fast forward and get to the real suspect but instead we’re about to be treated to 20 minutes of mostly nonsene.

Anyway, the ex-wife and the dead husband were working out the divorce and only had custody left to decide, which should be easy now that the father is busy being dead, presumably from a gunshot wound to the head and not acute neck gin poisoning.

Back to Mr. Keaton and his non-girlfriend at an art store where he tries to buy her a sculpture of Sarah Jessica Parker but she can’t accept such a generous gift.

No, REALLY, please don’t get this for me.

By the way, Mr. Keaton sounds like he’s practically stalking this woman, yet despite him calling her 14 times in one evening, she continues to date him.  Man, it must be hard to find a good guy in New York City.  Is getting out of a $50 traffic ticket really worth getting called 14 times a night by the Cryptkeeper?  Still though, she makes it clear that her legs are going to be closed to him for the foreseeable future, which should give him plenty of time to refill his Cialis prescription.

Back at the station, Eames and Goren start looking for people at the Bar Mitzvah who may or may not have been drinking gin and tonics or martinis and eventually figure out that the dead husband was absolutely destroying his wife in the divorce agreement.  He got the house, the car, and their antique dildo collection while she got a bag of grapes and a cement block all thanks to what appears to be some shady dealings between the dead husband, the mob and the judge involved in the case (almost none of this actually matters in the end, I’m just trying to explain just how ridiculous this entire episode was).

Then there are about five more red herrings and plot twists that truly don’t matter and I can’t even begin to describe them all here but we eventually also find out that the ex-wife had accused the dead husband of molesting their daughter but he had some MORE favors called in and got a gag order on that and stopped any investigation from proceeding.  At this point, Goren still suspects the wife because it’s the only thing that makes sense to him, after all, if your husband was raping your four year old daughter you too would hire a gin-swilling hitman to off him too.

Keaton meets with Young Albert Brooks in a car where we find out that Young Albert Brooks was hired by Keaton to commit the murder.  Keaton does a bunch of bizarre things in this scene, such as pay Young Albert Brooks in everything except hundred dollar bills, ask him to kill Detective Goren and Eames for bothering his non-girlfriends sister, and accuse Young Albert Brooks’ $15 watch of being a wire.

Dude, I don’t take wampum.

After some top notch detective work, Goren and Eames come to the conclusion that a cop from Westchester was the hitman, and trust me the details are too stupid to explain here, but they start to look for the ex-wife’s friend or relative in law enforcement that might have been the hitman.  This leads them to also see that the wife’s sister (Keaton’s non-girlfriend) had a traffic ticket wiped away clean and that’s the only lead they’ve got, which leads them to the prosecutor who zeroed out the ticket which in turns leads them to Steve Keaton, the guy that actually requested the ticket be wiped clean.  Got all that again?  Good, because it gets stupider.

Back at the station, one of the waiters from the Bar Mitzvah picks out police officer Young Albert Brooks from a series of pictures and remembers, of course, that he was at the bar drinking gin and tonics.  I barely remember what my middle name is, but this guy remembers some rando at the bar from a few weeks ago and what he was drinking.

Back at Keaton’s apartment, he is still getting completely denied by Stephanie Seymour, who CONTINUES TO DATE HIM, despite his insistence on calling her 27 times a day and leaving vials of his blood on her doorstep every morning.  Maybe she’s just into all the Worther’s Originals he’s surely keeping in his pockets.

After getting shut down one last time, Keaton decides to kick things up a notch and CONFESSES to the hit, thinking that will be THE WAY to finally get into her pants.

Well naturally he’s wrong because Stephanie Seymour excuses herself and he says, “Don’t do anything foolish, LIKE TELL ANYONE!  You know what I’m capable of now.”  Dude, get a grip.  The hammed acting in this scene is nearly too much to take, even by Criminal Intent standards.

Did you receive the scarf I made you out of my pubic hair?

And it’s time for a little Goren/Eames trickery as Eames approaches our favorite hitman at a bar, pretending to need an exact similar hit that Keaton had hired him for, how creative.  It seems that Young Albert Brooks has a thing for being paid to kill child molesters, but even he isn’t stupid enough to fall for her shennanigans.

However, he IS dumb enough to call Keaton as soon as she leaves his car and he is immediately placed under arrest because his phone was bugged and the cops heard everything.  At his interrogation, Young Albert Brooks decides to cut a deal and gives up Keaton, who is then placed under arrest for murder, but this tale is far from over which is unfortunate for me the viewer.

Over at his arraignment, Keaton pleads not guilty by reason of insanity, at which point this whole episode begins to get even more ridiculous.  In the judges chambers, Keaton’s attorney argues that Keaton’s behavior has been paranoid and crazy over the last month and even has the incriminating recorded dinner conversation from the very beginning of the episode proving that Keaton made no attempt that he was trying to cover his tracks, thereby proving he is insane.  Now I’m no attorney but none of this made any sense to me but the judge tells the DA and Goren that there’s a good chance Keaton will get off in a jury trial, which basically means it’s time for Goren to get tricky, finally!

Over in jail, Keaton meets with his non-girlfriend because she is the dumbest woman in New York.  She says she’s going to testify on his behalf, but basically only because a child molesting father is dead and he has the balls to CONTINUE to try to have sex with her, which fails one more time.

Over at the art gallery, the owner remembers Keaton and the non-girlfriend and basically their entire interaction despite this having taken place weeks or possibly even months ago.  She’s gotten some new sculptures in that look like something a dog shit out of its ass, but also remembers Keaton being way into her and her not really reciprocating the feelings.  Christ lady, maybe you should spend more time trying to convince suckers to buy the world’s worst art and less time getting all up in their business.

Why yes, I did sculpt this with my own feces.

Goren eventually figures out that the molestation report is mostly bogus and after talking to the 4 year old kid, realizes she had an allergic reaction to ice cream, shit her pants, and her father cleaned her up, and no molestation ever took place.  Also, what’s with this 4 year old always talking to weird old men?  First Dr. Webb/Steve Keaton, then Detective Goren.  This is not going to bode well in the future, she’s going to turn into Stephanie Seymour.  She also tells Goren that she talked to Keaton about the day she wasn’t molested.

Goren takes this new information to the non-girlfriend, explaining to her that the kid was never molested and Keaton must have known about it from the 10 minute conversation he had with her at the Bar Mitzvah, meaning he didn’t care that the father wasn’t a molester and was only trying to get his penis wet.  The balls on this guy keep getting bigger, and not just from prostate medication he’s taking.

Back at the station, DA Carver and Goren throw everything at Keaton, explaining that they know the abuse allegation was false, Keaton knew it, and he’s going to jail for a very long time.

Finally, Goren goes total Goren on Keaton, because it’s not Criminal Intent without a stupid confession given to the police at the every end.  Goren basically insults Keaton about his lack of ability to get a woman until Keaton gives it all up.

And you are also aware that you’ll never be able to resell that hideous statue you bought.

After confessing, DA Carver finishes the episode off telling Keaton’s attorney, “Your client’s not insane, he’s in love, maybe it’s hard to tell the two apart but the law can.”

LESSONS TO BE LEARNED:

Women who are 50 years younger than you are never going to blow you for paying off a few traffic tickets and you know, committing murder.

It should also be mentioned that despite my 2,000+ word recap of this episode, I left out a fair amount of the useless shit that happened, not to mention that no words can justify just how terrible an acting performance was on display from Steve Keaton and Stephanie Seymour.

Until next time!

Many years ago, I was on vacation with my then girlfriend, flipping around channels looking for something to watch on tv.  We were at the beach and had just come in from a night out, looking to call it a night with our regular best friend, television.  It was on this night that I discovered a tv show so amazingly bad that for the next few years, we would watch it regularly to laugh at just how terrible it was.

I’ve long been a fan of bad movies, which is probably why this one television show so captured my attention.  The show?  Law and Order: Criminal Intent, starring the one and only Vince D’onofrio, who up until this time I had only known from the Thirteenth Floor (not a bad, though predictable movie) and as Private Pyle in Full Metal Jacket.

Law and Order Criminal Intent, which I will from here on refer to simply as CI, soon became one of my favorite television shows.  The first episode I ever watched consisted of Detective Goren (D’onofrio) inspecting a body that had recently been pulled off the beach after it had been festering for days, yet he still had the olfactory capability of recognizing the scent of lavender on the body.  I was immediately hooked. If this man could get the scent of lavender from a dead body that had been rotting on the beach for nearly a week, he could do anything.

Over the years, some show staples emerged:  horribly acted villains who more often that not also had terrible accents, waitresses who could remember daily minutia with photographic memory like skill, amazing cameos by actors you’d long thought had disappeared, and most importantly, the inevitable trickery used by Detective Goren where he got the suspect to admit their crimes, all while their pathetic lawyer looked on and shook their head in disgrace.

I eventually lost interest in the show, partially because it became boring and obvious but also because after maybe 7 or 8 seasons, Vince D’Onofrio was replaced by Chris Noth and eventually Jeff Goldblum (seriously).

I’ve only seen most of these episodes once (and missed TONS I’m sure), usually when they first aired.  Now that I’ve rebooted my blog, I thought that a fun regular post would be recapping the show starting at the beginning.  How long will this last?  I have no idea.  Probably not long, and nobody is reading this anyway.  Would this make a lot more sense to do if this show was still current?  Of course.  Why am I doing this?  I am not sure.  Will you find this entertaining?  I hope so.  Am I going to stop asking questions to myself now?  Yes.

For the purposes of this experiment, I’m going to skip over any episodes I don’t find exceedingly funny or too complex to explain, and start from where I first discovered the show, Season 1, Episode 5.

Episode title: “Jones”

Plot Summary:  We meet Henry, cheating husband, Yale law grad, cokehead, gambling addict, and oh yeah, MURDERER!  Henry’s hot Latina girlfriend wants Henry to leave his bitchy wife, mostly because she’s got a penchant for finding Henry’s used condoms.

They get into a scuffle and Henry, naturally, drowns her in the bathtub.  That settles that!  We meet Henry’s next girlfriend.  This guy sure does well with the ladies, considering he appears to have no redeeming qualities, except of course for his giant Yale Law ring.  Credits roll as we can assume that girlfriend number 2′s future isn’t much better than number 1.

Yale, bitch!

Detective Goren is on the scene and examines the dead girl in the tub.  He immediately notices scented bath oil.  They quickly figure out where she worked, a club where she was basically a non-sexual prostitute, which is of course, my favorite kind of prostitute.  Nothing like paying for not-sex.

Back at the office, Goren and Eames get news that a dead, strangled girl has washed up on Rockaway beach, we might have a serial killer on our hands!  She’s been dead at least a couple of days according to the cops on the scene, on the stinky beach, but Goren’s key sense of smell tells him there’s a scent of lavender coming off her body and she was drowned and strangled not on this beach but in…a BATHTUB!  Using his otherworldy smelling sense, Goren links this murder to the dead girl in the tub because sure, why not.  Someone out there clearly likes to strangle women, but only after making sure they smell nice.

Smells like…MURDER!

Back in Henry’s world, his goddamn bitch wife is all up in his ass while he’s trying to get rid of evidence.  Can’t a guy just burn some evidence in peace?!

Over at the lab, Goren and Eames learn more about dead girl #2, and try to decide if they’ve got a serial killer on the loose.  Unfortunately, they do not use this time to give him a fun name, like the Lavender Lunatic or the Bathtub Bandit.  Come on Goren, use a little creativity.

And wouldn’t you know, while they have this conversation word comes in about a THIRD dead girl.  The Lavender Lunatic has been busy.

Goren is eventually led to Henry’s office because all three dead women had recently suffered injuries and Henry works at the injury law firm that was representing their lawsuits.

I’d prefer to be called MISTER Lavender Lunatic.

Henry tries to push the blame onto his ex-associate who recently quit and also knew the victims.  Goren does what he does best, snooping around and noticing that Henry might have a gambling problem, among other character flaws, that is beyond the bad acting.

Later on that evening, Henry is meeting up with yet ANOTHER girlfriend!  Between four girlfriends, a wife, two kids, a cocaine and gambling addiction, and Jazzercise three times a week, I don’t know how he’s able to get anything done!  I would not like to be the secretary who has to organize this man’s life.  In his latest girlfriend, we get our very first BAD ACCENT of the show.  I suppose she’s supposed to be Russian or something as she starts telling him about her ‘LEETLE BEEKEENEE’ she wants to wear for him at the beach.

Goren and Eames meet with the ex-associate, who basically blows the lid off Henry’s coke and gambling addiction, not to mention that he’s also been stealing money from clients – the same ones that are now all smelling lovely but also dead.  They travel to Henry’s house to speak with his clueless wife where they inform her they have a warrant for Henry’s arrest for murder as well as a search warrant for the house.

Now that you mention it, our lavender budget HAS gotten out of control.

Goren explains to Mrs. Clueless what her husband has been up to – stealing money from clients and drowning them in bathtubs.  After recalling the used condom on her sparkling kitchen floor, Mrs. Clueless demands they stop this harassment and she’s calling her lawyer.

They head on over to Henry’s bookie, basically a walking stereotype, because apparently that’s something that still exists.  Hey, Henry, have you HEARD of the internet?  Henry’s been in contact, after all he’s a gambling addict, and he’s in Connecticut with some Russian floozy, according to the bookie.  Goren and Eames head back to the office and wouldn’t you know, a dead strangled Russian girl has turned up in Connecticut.  The Soapy Slaughterer strikes again!  But good news – there’s at least one more girlfriend still alive!

Just come on over to my house, I needed to kill you at least three days ago…I mean…NOT kill you…I’ve said too much.

In order to reel him in, Goren has the bookie leave Henry a message demanding his money, except of course when “Henry” shows up to pay, Mrs. Clueless shows up in his place.  God I really hate this woman.

They interrogate the Clueless Wonder.   Goren had her least favorite spot on the kitchen floor tested and they found traces of sperm and spermacide.  Sounds like your perfect husband has been up to no good.  By the way, you’d think she’d have cleaned up the floor by now but between her pill addiction and paying off Henry’s gambling debts I suppose she didn’t have the time.

And so they travel over to the hospital where the last girlfriend is still alive and not yet strangled in a bathtub of lavender, except of course she’s on the phone with Henry now and he’s promised her a warm bath at home!  I wish I was making this up.

Candles – check. Wine – check. Murdering gloves – check. Where did I leave that goddamn lavender?

The Aromatic Assassin prepares a bath at his girlfriend’s home but is greeted by Goren and Eames and is placed under arrest.  Back at the station, the Assistant DA Carver DEMANDS MORE EVIDENCE (this is also a running theme on CI).  Right now they’ve only got him for gambling and possession of scented candles – that’s only enough to put him away for a few weeks.  Goren suggests he needs to be caught in the act, I smell trickery!

And this trickery involves Eames innocently flirting with Henry while he waits behind bars since his downfall is cute, petite women.  Henry turns into a real talker and now it’s so easy to see why he’s got so many girlfriends.  “I listen to women.  I’ve got a lot to give.  I’m going to walk out of here and when it’s appropriate, I’d like to call you.”  Um, you do know you’re under arrest for murdering four women right?  But sure, I hear Guy Fieri’s new place in Times Square is good, call me!

Unfortunately for the Cleansing Criminal, his wife has been watching him try to pick up on Eames the entire time through the one way glass and now sees just who her husband really is.  Now that the veil has been lifted, she tells Goren that she had caught him getting rid of probably a dead girl’s clothes a few weeks ago.  Eames leaves the interrogation room, saying “I need to go WASH OFF THE SLIME.”  Zing.

Considering this guy is a lawyer, from YALE, you’d think he’d be smart enough at this point to demand an attorney, but instead he requests a catalog to Bath and Body Works.

The interrogation is predictably hilarious.  Goren says he believes Henry is into small women because he’s a “small man,” implying of course that Henry’s got a tiny penis, going as far as comparing their shoe sizes because as we all know, small shoes = tiny dick.  I wear a size 14 by the way.

I got these on Zappos.

This is really all just Goren trickery into getting Henry to confess, which he does, yelling his wife behind the glass “Why do you think I did this you bitch?!  I DID THIS FOR YOU!”  Nobody likes being accused of having a baby penis.  Henry SMASHES the one way glass into pieces (which if this was actually possible would probably hurt like a bitch and take a LOT of scented soap to clean) and the episode ends.

BEST LINES OF THE EPISODE:

On describing the second dead girl, the coroner lets Goren and Eames know that, “She’s got a stomach like a trampoline and a tush you could crack walnuts with.”  Yum!

Eames upon learning that Henry’s wife is supporting his gambling and cocaine habit: “Looks like his train’s about to run out of gravy!”

AMAZING WITNESS ACCOUNT:

None really this episode, just good old fashioned detective work.

TERRIBLE ACCENT WINNER:

Clearly the Russian girlfriend.  Henry, you vouldn’t drown me in a bathtub, vould you?

LESSONS TO BE LEARNED:

If you’re going to murder your four girlfriends, at least have the sense to not strangle them all in lavender smelling bathtubs – you’ve gotta mix that shit up.

Buy bigger shoes.