copyandcigarettes.com

Finally, something for me to write about.

First, let me say this.  I mourn for Billy Mays.  That guy was a fucking class act.  Now who the fuck is going to try to sell me Mighty Putty and Oxyclean?  Billy Mays, you sir, will be missed.  More on that in another post.

But let me get straight to it.  Michael Jackson.  The King of Pop.  The suspected child molestor and general freak of nature.  Dead at 50.  It’s only been a few days and there’s already a lot of bullshit about this.

First of all, is he realllly dead?  Okay, I think he is.  But, if this is a giant faked death conspiracy, well that would make some sense.  Think about it.  I read that he was 400 MILLION DOLLARS IN DEBT.  How the fuck do you get to be $400 million in debt?  I mean, how is this possible?  How is this physically possible?  He’s not a United States automobile corporation or bank!  I read that number and was surprised we didn’t bail him out a few months ago.

Anyway, $400 million in debt.  He dies and all of a sudden, and this is true, Amazon.com’s top ten selling albums for the week are ALL MICHAEL JACKSON ALBUMS.  I don’t get this either.  He dies and all of a sudden starts selling a shit ton of records?  What, did people forget about his music?  He’s fucking Michael Jackson!  I don’t understand this phenomenon at all.  It’s not like because he’s dead they’re going to stop making and selling these albums.  Did he die and people are like “Oh yeah, Michael Jackson!  It’s about time I bought Thriller!”  I guess so.

In any case, the dead white motherfucker is now selling albums like he’s never sold before.  Hmmm…that might help to start paying off that $400 MILLION DOLLARS.

But anyway, I don’t think he faked his death.  I think that motherfucker is dead.

Two things I heard about that piss me off already.

First, congress had a MOMENT OF SILENCE for Michael Jackson.  A MOMENT OF SILENCE.  For Michael Jackson.  A singer.  A MOMENT OF SILENCE.  For a dead, freaky singer who may or may not have molested a whole shitload of kids.  I’m sorry, but shouldn’t a congress moment of silence be reserved for, I don’t know, politicians and Nobel Peace Prize winners and not for people who accidentally set their hair on fire while filming a Pepsi commercial?  Why the fuck is my government holding a MOMENT OF SILENCE for MICHAEL FUCKING JACKSON?  Fuck!  What the fuck?  He didn’t fucking negotiate peace in Israel!  He shared a bed with other people’s children!

Okay.  Second, I read a that there is a scene in the new Bruno movie with Latoya.  And they cut it out of the film.  I’ll say that again.  They cut out a scene in Bruno with Latoya Jackson.  Why?  According to Universal, “Out of respect for the Jackson family.”  Are you fucking kidding me?  Are you kidding me?  We’re talking about Latoya fucking Jackson here.  Latoya.  Fucking.  Jackson.  They cut it out of the movie!  Never to be seen again!  Given that rationale, shouldn’t they have cut Heath Ledger out of Batman?  Shouldn’t they have cut Brandon Lee out of the Crow?  Since when is it okay that when someone dies, they or their sibling can no longer be in a movie?  And of all movies, we’re talking about fucking Bruno!  I mean, has anyone seen Borat?  It’s not like these are the most “respectful” movies on the planet.  Total and utter bullshit.

It’s nobody’s job to say what can and what cannot be joked about.  Either everything is okay or nothing is.  You cannot pick and choose.  That’s not how comedy works.  I think it’s a total pussy move to cut out this scene and completely pathetic.  Am I to assume if Sasha Cohen died tomorrow they’d just pull the full release of Bruno?  No, of course not.  So why cut out a scene with Latoya Jackson?  Stupidity.  Total stupidity.

Anyway, I’m sure as the days pass I’ll have more thoughts on this.  But one last thing - I don’t give a fuck about Michael Jackson.  There are maybe five songs I like by him: Smooth Criminal, Billie Jean, Beat It, Bad and Thriller.  And I only like Thriller because of the video for it.  I can’t deny the man was talented, I just didn’t happen to like most of his music.  But people really fucking loved this guy, huh?  I think they need to reshow that documentary with that dickish British reporter over and over and over again on its own channel.  I would watch that shit time and time again.  It sucks that he died as young as he did leaving his kids to grow up without a father.  But then again, maybe this is their shot of having some sort of a normal childhood.  I don’t know.  Anyway, I can’t wait for all of this to be over so the news can get back to the important things, like who Lindsay Lohan is blowing this week and what household items might be killing you as we speak.

Hey so I haven’t updated this in forever.  And with so much news going on, I feel pretty bad.  I mean just this week, Ed Mcmahon, Farrah Fawcett, and now, fucking Michael Jackson have died.  Iran is on fire.  The SC Governor hanging out in Argentina banging his mistress.  And that hilarious shit with David Caradine (I actually DID write a post about this but it was accidentally deleted and I didn’t feel like rewriting it - summary - if you’re going to auto-erotic asphyxiate yourself, get a spotter and if your loved one dies this way, just let it go and don’t hire a private investigator to look into it, only extending the period of time it’s in the news because seriously, it’s hilarious).  But yet, I feel like writing an NBA draft log because these are usually pretty funny (unintentionally).

Unfortunately, as a Wizards fan, all of my excitement got sucked from me about two days ago when the team made a maybe good maybe not so good trade and dumped our #5 pick.
But, I can still make fun of what else is happening.  I can only hope Steven A Smith is prominently involved.

616: Pre-draft note: how old is Taylor Griffin?  He looks like Blake’s dad!  Blake is looking pretty dapper by the way.  Taylor is looking geriatric.

623: Pre-draft note 2: I have no faith in this Ricky Rubio kid.  Maybe I’ll eat these words, but I don’t know.  I don’t believe the hype.  And he looks like he’s in middle school.  Apparently he’s got zero jump shot, but they say he makes everyone around him better.  Guess we’ll see.  Also, I find it completely unfair that 18 year old Ricky Rubio can enter the draft but Tyreke Evans and OJ Mayo have to make a mockery out of the NCAA and wait a year to enter.  They need to fix this one and done system and do what the NFL does.

630: Why is this Patrick Ewing commercial so fucking funny to me?  We may never know.

632: Here we go!  Only a minute until the Blake Griffin formality.  The draft just isn’t the same without Isiah Thomas.

635: You know, I don’t put anything past the Clippers.  Maybe they’ll trade this pick for a case of beer.  After all, they did draft Olowakandi number one.  I’m praying for you, Blake.

637: Honestly, I’m not even all that sold on Griffin.  I mean, if this was a deeper draft, would he be #1?  I don’t know.  I mean I think the guy will be solid, but my guess is a career closer to Kenyon Martin than Karl Malone.

639: It’s official.  I suppose all the ACL jokes have already been made.  Good luck, dude.

641: I love the slow motion shot of him smiling.  Might be the last time he smiles that big for quite some time.  Blake Griffin is asked what it’ll be like to not be around his brother and his dad, to which he replied he couldn’t tell the difference.  Shot of his parents - is Blake Griffin the first halfy drafted number 1?  That’d be a fun stat shot.  Blake Griffin: First Halfy Drafted #1.  Mike Dunleavy looks asleep.  But then again, I guess he always looks like this.

645: Memphis is ready to go.  I don’t put anything past these morons either.

646: And Memphis drafts…HASHEEM THABEET.  And check out the suit on this guy.  Not much of an offensive game on him but he’s a big body, good shot-blocker, and seems like a generally nice guy.  Too bad generally nice guys usually aren’t generally good centers.

648: Bilas says he needs to get an offensive game.  Fun fact: Hasheem means “the destroyer of evil.” while Rubio means “Overrated 18 year old foreign point guard.”

651: Thunder on the clock and all signs point to Rubio…

652: OKC drafts…JAMES HARDEN.  And Rubio slips to Sacramento.  A bit of a surprise.  I’m not gonna lie, I don’t know much about Harden but Bilas seems to like him.  Harden’s sporting a bow-tie, a striped shirt, a vest, and a blazer.  Balls.  It’s official, I like this guy.

656: Sacramento on the clock.

657: Sacramento picks TYREKE EVANS.  Well, now I will be hoping forever that Ricky Rubio is a bust because he would have been a Wizard.  You hear me, Rubio?  You better be a big fucking bust.  A giant fucking a bust.  A bust of epic proportions.  You better be out of the league by 2011.  You hear me??

700: Um…Tyreke ain’t the most eloquent dude in the room.

702: Minnesota on the clock, and will they take Rubio?  Rubio, you better be a giant fucking bust.

704: Minnesota drafts RICKY RUBIO.  Future giant bust Ricky Rubio.  You got that?  For the love of god let this guy suck.  The crowd chants USA.  You gotta love New York.  And uh, Minnesota is on the clock.  Fran Frashilla says he might be the best passer in the last 10 drafts.  Wow, let’s not build this guy up at all.

706:  How come all of the shots of overseas basketball look like they were taken by an Al Qaeda terrorist shooting a death to America video?  Don’t they have decent cameras in Spain?

709: Minnesota drafts JONNY FLYNN.  I don’t get it considering they just took Rubio.  I guess they also know that Rubio is a bust.

711: Jonny Flynn has a 40 inch vertical leap??  Jesus Christ, I can’t get up that high if I started on a chair.

712: Golden State on the clock and they’re apparently in the works for an Amare trade.  Could get interesting.

715: Golden State picks STEPH CURRY and the Knicks fans are reeling.  Sorry Knicks fans.  I like Steph Curry but I still don’t see how he’s all that much different than Juan Dixon coming out of college.  I like this kid though and he’s definitely a better shooter than Dixon ever was.

718: Man, Dell Curry had a stroke. On his shot I mean, not that he like, can’t feel the left side of his body.  Steph looks like he’s wearing his dad’s suit.  Knicks on the clock.

721: Knicks draft JORDAN HILL.  And the Knicks fans boo.  Are these guys ever happy?  Fucking New Yorkers.  I like Hill, maybe won’t be a stud but I can see this guy as a very serviceable player.  Also, we share the same name.  Van Gundy says he doesn’t understand the crowds reaction.  I do.  New Yorkers are fucking asshole retards.  Raps on clock.

726: Toronto drafts DEMAR DEROZAN.  Another guy I don’t know too much about but Bilas loves his potential.  Shocker.

728: Remember a few years ago when the first round was full of foreign dudes?  What happened to that trend?  Aside from Rubio, I don’t think there will be more than three or four foreign guys picked in this draft.  First round anyway.  Bucks on clock.

732: Bucks pick BRANDON JENNINGS.  Highlites of him playing overseas sporting…the fade?  Oh shit, I think I like this guy too.  Just a reminder that Ricky Rubio better be a huge fucking bust.  Nets on clock.  Jennings is not in the building because he couldn’t get a promise he’d be picked in the lottery.  I like that.  Avoid the embarassment should you be sitting around into the mid 20’s.  This Jennings kid might be getting some good advice from someone.  For once.

738: Nets draft TERRENCE WILLIAMS.  Wow, he went a lot earlier than I thought he would.  I mean I know his stock was rising and all…Think he might be one of the steals of this draft though.  Also the first senior taken, all the way at number 11.  Terrence Williams AKA T-Will.  Wow, what an amazingly unique nickname.  Charlotte on clock.  For Charlotte fans sake I hope Michael Jordan isn’t in the draft room. He whoith responsible for Kwame Brown and Adam Morrison.

745: Bobcats draft GERALD HENDERSON.  I hate this guy.  I hate him cause he went to Duke.  I hate him for the elbow he nailed Tyler Hansborough with a few years back.  I hate him.  Hope your career goes the way of Jason Williams.  Fucker.  Oh and his father was a Celtic.  I hate him for that too.  Pacers on clock.

750: Pacers draft TYLER HANSBROUGH.  Wow!  First, I love this kid.  Love the way he plays.  Love his competitive spirit.  Love him.  Wish the Wiz could have found a way to draft him.  I think he could end up like a David Lee type player, and not just cause he’s white.  Also surprised he went this high, but very happy for him.  The crowd is chanting overrated.  Once again, New Yorkers are fucking stupid.

753: Did I mention that I love Hansbrough?  Love this guy.  Love this guy and Rubio better be a bust.  A giant fucking bust.  Suns on the clock - Rick Bucher says Amare is probably going to Golden State for a pu pu platter.  Probably won’t happen until July 8 he says.  Man, the Suns have really fucked things up haven’t they?

755: Suns draft…Suns draft…where’s the commish…there he is…Suns draft EARL CLARK.  Earl is not here.  Um…what is going on…Brandon Jennings has shown up!  Yes! Best entrance ever!  That was so WWF it’s not even funny!  That’s so classic.  “Wait, so I did get drafted early?  Yay!  Let’s get our asses to MSG!”  Seriously, I dare anyone to find a better entrance at the draft ever.  Even better than when guys jump out of the audience in the second round and scare the crap out of the commish.  Bit of a surprise here, I don’t know much about Earl Clark but I don’t think anyone thought he’d go this high.

758: Brandon Jennings is on the couch.  He’s wearing a hat though so I don’t know if he’s still sporting the fade.  And that’s the end of the lottery.  Only two left in the green room are the guys with oddly spelled names - Jrue Holiday and Austin Daye.  The Day/e’s if you will.

800: They have got to stop making the Chris Paul and his deodorant commercials.  They are not funny and kind of creep me out.

802: Pistons take AUSTIN DAYE.  Meh.  This guy only weighs 190 pounds?  Jesus Christ I hope he bulks up.  I think Robert Traylor once ate a guy that weighed 190.  I’m going to stop updating minute by minute now unless something great happens.

810: How does Steve Kerr still look like he’s 20 years old?  And how does he still have a job?  I can take over a team if my only instructions are “cut costs as much as possible.”

815: Philly picks JRUE HOLIDAY.  And everyone in the green room is gone.  Not sure who is responsible for this kid’s name, but I hope they don’t have any other kids.  I think they should nickname this kid Jragon.

818: Minn is on the clock again.  How did they get so many picks?  They draft TY LAWSON.  Um.  Rubio.  Flynn.  Lawson.  How many point guards can you start?  They have to be trading something here, right?  I mean…is Rubio going to be so bad they need two insurance policies on him?  Maybe Danny Green will fall to the Wiz at 32.  Bucher says this pick is being moved to the Nuggets.  Okay, that makes more sense.

828: Dinner break for me.

842: Second foreign player taken.  Some guy I’ve never heard of, obviously.

843: You know who’s loving Michael Jackson’s death?  Republicans.  Cause up until that, all the news was talking about was the dumbass South Carolina Governor.  Now?  It’s Michael Jackson all the time.  Conspiracy?  Perhaps…

845: Hey, another Israeli just got drafted.  I just say another, because a few years back, two Israelis were drafted.  Neither has been in the NBA.

849: BJ Mullins is one ugly dude.

853:  Just one year I’d like the Wizards to have multiple first round picks.  The Thunder pick some guy from Guadeloupe.  I’m not sure I can pick that out on a map.  I have a feeling this guy will never make an NBA roster.  But guess who loves him?  Fran Fraschilla.  Is there anyone he doesn’t love?

859: This draft really does suck. At least the Wiz (maybe) pick soon unless they deal it for cash, which I think they might.

906: Memphis just drafted a guy who needs a liver transplant.  Not sure that’s who you draft in the first round, but good luck to you, DEMARRE CARROLL.

910: Minn is up again, they gonna draft another PG?

915: Darko just got traded to the Knicks and some kid in the crowd is FREAKING OUT.  Not sure if he’s excited or angry.  Darko blows.  Why do these guys talk about him like he’s got any value?

923: This just isn’t nearly as much fun as it used to be with Barkley, Kenny, and Steven A.  I hope TNT gets the rights back to this.

925: First round is over.  This is really mostly boring, I might even turn it off after the Wiz pick.

930: Are we gonna take Dejuan Blair?  I hope not.

933: Yay, Wizards on the clock.  Please let Rubio blow.

936: Wiz take…JERMAINE TAYLOR.  Um, I have no idea who this guy is but he’s 6′4″ and we have no big men.  I hate it.  Okay, I’m stopping now.

Classic video.  My favorite comes at around the 5:30 mark.

Hello Dan,

I had no idea you read my blog.

Fuck you.  I hate you.  Goodbye.

Maybe the NBA is rigged, maybe not.

I mean, I think there’s lot of evidence for a massive conspiracy but then again, the Clippers won the draft last night so maybe not.

But here’s the great thing about the NBA (probably) being rigged for Lebron to win the title: Maryland great Joe Smith will win a title.

So that’s good, right?  Boo NBA rigging.  Yay Joe Smith!

Joe Smith is commonly referred to as a bust given that he was the #1 draft pick in 1995.  I mean, here’s a list of guy’s also in that draft: Jerry Stackhouse, Rasheed Wallace, Kevin Garnett, Michael Finley, and Ed O’Bannon (just trying to see if you’re paying attention).  But Joe Smith was hardly a bust.  Sure, he’s no Hall of Famer, but a bust he is not.  The dude is not Kwame Brown or Michael Olawakandi.

But anyway, I’m happy for him when the NBA rigs their win.

By the way, a bit of evidence towards some…seriously questionable officiating: last night in, I think, the second quarter, Carmelo Anthony hit a shot that was initially called a two.  The commentators mentioned that the officials were going to take a look at it at the next stoppage to review if it was a three.  Replays on the television sure as hell made it look like it was a three.  But then…we never heard about it again!  If the officials reviewed it, we never heard about it.  So did they review it?  I don’t know, but it doesn’t seem so.   And if they did, they ruled it a two and not a three.  So either way, the whole thing was totally fishy.

And then what happened at the end of the game?  That one point would have made a HUGE difference.

And then of course tonight, there have been several no-calls in the first half that have been a bit more than questionable.  I’m pretty sure Dwight Howard was raped at one point.  But speaking of Howard, here are his three fouls in the first half: questionable charging call, another questionable charging call, and a blocking call against a Lebron James layup, where Howard just about grazed him on the way up.

Hmmm.

And I’m supposed to believe the refs aren’t calling this one way purposely more than the other???

Let me start by saying I like Coors Lite. I think it’s a better beer than say, Miller Lite. Might be a toss up with Bud Lite. I don’t make it a habit of drinking lite beers because I’m a fatass and I like my carbs and calories, thanks very much.

But all this “My beer can has turned blue, it must be cold” nonsense has to end. Really.

In fact, I can’t believe I haven’t written about this before.

For those of you who don’t watch sports on television, Coors has bottles and cans where the logo on the side turns BLUE when your beer is cold enough for drinking! That is, you buy it at the store, you bring it home, and then I assume the cans start to turn blue when they’ve reached an optimal temperature.

Hey, you know another way to tell if your beer is cold? Here’s a step by step process:

1) Put beer in fridge.

2) Open fridge.

3) Grab beer.

4) If it’s cold, your beer is ready for drinking. If it’s not cold, wait. Or it’s time to fix your fridge.

Really, how much money was invested in the color changing can technology over at Coors? I mean, how stupid do you have to be to know whether or not your beer is cold?

This is really not a difficult thing here.  Shit, I’ve been 10 or 11 beers deep and still have the ability to decipher whether or not the next one I grab is COLD.

Stupid.

So some magazine recently released their best cities in the world to live in.  Of course, this is mostly arbitrary and silly, but it’s fun to read stuff like this.

The United States did rather poorly, with only Honolulu and San Francisco making it into the top 30.  But my favorite part from the story is this quote:

“The bottom? Baghdad once again comes in at 215.”

This reminded me a lot of when Norm McDonald used to do the news on Saturday Night Live and he did the bit about the world’s best jobs.  The line is something like “And coming in last once again, Assistant Crack Whore.”

Did this magazine really need to go out of their way to show that Baghdad is the worst city in the world?   That is, of all the cities surveyed.  I’m sure there are worse places than Baghdad…right?  Okay maybe not.  I suppose between all of the roadside bombs, snipers, and general destruction, living in Baghdad probably sucks pretty bad.

But come on, let’s say you’re Joe Falafel living in Baghdad and you read this article.  Doesn’t that just piss you off even more?  As if these people don’t need any more reason to go suicide bomb something.

A comment posted today on an older post where I berated morons who try to buy fake ID’s on the internet:

“Wtf, I can’t believe you wasted your time writing that whole article writing about kids buying fake ids, no-one gives a fuck. Did u not have a life from 13-18, clearly not.”

Clearly you give a fuck enough to comment on my blog.  Also, no, I did not have a life back then.  Actually, I still don’t.  Evidently you haven’t read much else on my blog otherwise you coulda figured that our yourself.

But sorry, you still lose.  Anyone who tries to buy a fake ID on the internet is a moron and probably in line for their own reality show on VH1.

It’s official, more people are now finding my blog from searching for “Shamwow Guy” than “What happened to Craig Kilborn.”  Congratulations Vince, you’re the most popular subject on my blog.

Swine Flu

Bird Flu

Mad Cow Disease

Bovine Myopia

Feline Herpes

Canine Cancer

Rodent Aches and Pains

Insect Elephantitis

Squirrel Migraines

So let’s just stop talking about it already.

It’s time to once again play everyone’s favorite game….

AUDIENCE: “LET’S ALIENATE 90% OF MY READERS!”

So I’m watching the Heat/Hawks playoff game right now and just before halftime they did one of those stupid sideline interviews with Atlanta’s Maurice Evans, who until now, I’ve never heard speak.

Before I continue, I want to say a few things.

Remember when, about two years ago, Tim Hardaway got in all that trouble for blasting his hatred of homosexuals? I think he also claimed that he’d never played basketball with any gay people on his team. Whatever, his claims were ridiculous and he got in a lot of trouble. It’s funny that some people think that there are ZERO gay players in the NBA. In fact, I wrote extensively on the subject when it happened and if you care enough, you can find it in the archives somewhere. Basically, I ranked my list of people who I thought were gay.

Time to update the list.

But I digress once more. I also want to say that I like Maurice Evans. I don’t know much about the dude but I play with the Hawks in NBA2k and Maurice Evans is my man off the bench. That guy gets starters minutes and he’s averaging a double double. So, don’t give me shit for this post.

But anyway, Maurice Evans is completely and totally gay. That was the gayest sideline interview ever. If Andy Dick interviewed that Mormon kid from the Real World Brooklyn, it would have to reach 10 higher levels in gayness to match that Maurice Evans interview.

Here’s a clip I found on Youtube. If you watch the whole thing, check out the deluded girl at the end who thinks she’s his “girlfriend.” Hey Alexandra, do you think it’s weird that Maurice slips out of bed ever night to go “for a walk” and then he comes home four hours later smelling like astroglide, latex, and Old Spice?

Again, I’m not trying to hate on the guy. Again, I like Maurice Evans. Dude, I’ve trained his 3 point shooting up to 90 in NBA2k9. He’s fucking deadly. Seriously, I’m shooting something like 43% from downtown with him. Last game he hit four threes in a thrilling win over the Memphis Grizzlies 128-126. Though I did not have Maurice in at the end of the game, he contributed throughout.

But seriously, watch this video! Look how gay this dude is! When he gets asked what he does best offensively and defensively, I’m surprised he didn’t say, “Bottom. I mean…I shoot threes.” And look how fabulous he looks in that shirt combo! Jesus Christ, this is the gayest NBA player since Jason Williams destroyed his pelvin riding a motorcycle.

But once again, I LIKE Maurice Evans. Dude, I’m averaging like a steal a game with him right now. Right now he’s LEADING THE AWARDS RACE FOR SIXTH MAN OF THE YEAR! Seriously! I’m not making any of this up! I like Maurice Evans!

But sorry, last one. Just watch this video. Tell me this guy isn’t gay! I feel bad for the guy because he has a profession that makes it damn near impossible to come out while being an active player. How do you think Josh Smith would take it? He seems like the kind of guy that agrees with Tim Hardaway. What about the coach. Would he get his minutes cut? I think the only person that might be happy about this is Alonzo Mourning, but he’s retired.

Maurice Evans. Gayer than baseball.

I am not clever nor witty.  But that’s what happens sometimes when I’m just trying to bang out some blog posts.

Also, for anyone that cares, they are finally releasing the state on DVD this July!  Woo hoo!

So I was watching one of my favorite shows the other night, “Fuck me, I’m retarded, hosted by Sean Hannity” (I think that’s what it’s called) the other night during a timeout of a playoff game.  I try to check him out now and then to see what he’s trying to scare the stupider people of this country about.

I hold firm to the belief that he’s an actor and he doesn’t believe 90% of the things he says.  This is also how I feel about that horse Anne Coulter, Bill O’Reilly, and most other assclowns on Fox News (except for Glen Beck, that guy is just a fucking jackass).

Anyway, so I flip on Hannity and find out that he’s talking about this Miss USA or whatever pageant and how he’s pissed off that Miss California might have lost for an answer she gave about gay marriage.

What Hannity basically said is that if she lost because of her answer - which, by the way, wasn’t that BAD an answer minus calling something “opposite marriage,” then it wasn’t right and it wasn’t fair.  He also called out Perez Hilton for going on some silly rant about what a bitch she is.

And here’s the thing.  I agree with Sean Hannity?

Look, I don’t know much about beauty pageants except that they’re stupid.  But I am pretty sure that when they do the Q and A part, they’re not supposed to be judged on their opinions but rather their poise or whatever at how they answer.  Furthermore, everyone is also entitled to their own opinion, even if that opinion happens to be stupid.  If everyone in this country felt the same way about everything it wouldn’t be America.  It would be North Korea.  So if Miss California doesn’t support gay marriage, that’s totally fine.  That’s her opinion and she’s entitled to feel that way.

So I’m with you on this one Sean Hannity!  For the first time ever, you said something that’s not completely retarded!  Way to go!

I was in Petsmart yesterday to pickup litter for my (completely insane) cat and what did I see sitting in full view in the front of the store?

That’s right.  A giant stack of Shamwow boxes.

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!

Or wait.  Perhaps this is a Yesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss!

Maybe what Petsmart is saying is that the only thing Shamwow is good for is cleaning up dog and cat piss.  Now they didn’t come right out and say “Buy these Shamwow for all your cat and dog piss cleaning needs!” But come on, why else would Shamwow be in Petsmart?

So if that’s what they ARE saying, then Kudos to you Petsmart.  Shamwow!  It’s great for pet piss!

(that or they support beating the shit out of prostitutes)

You know on Star Trek how they’ve got those teleporters where people disintegrate into atoms and then reappear somewhere else?

How do you think they tested those things?  I mean, would you want to be the first person in this thing?

“Listen, Steve, just stand right here as we blow up your body into little tiny atoms.  We swear you’ll come back together on some other planet thousands of miles from here with all those little tiny atoms put back together correctly.”

I realize this show took place…um…hundreds of years in the future?  But you’ve got to be one brave guy in a red uniform to be the first asshole to test this thing out.

I didn’t say it was funny.  Just a thought.

Anyone else watch this show besides me?

First, I don’t know why I watch the Millionaire Matchmaker.  I honestly don’t.  There’s nearly nothing redeeming about the show.

I just don’t get it.  At the beginning of every episode, Patty tells us that she’s a third generation matchmaker with a 99% success rate.

Oh really?  Because nearly ever episode I’ve seen, nobody has ended up married.  I saw one dude get engaged, who later broke it off.  They show updates on people sometimes, and none of THEM are married.

So what’s 99% success mean to this lady?  Clearly her definition of “success” is different than mine, considering she’s trying to set people up for MARRIAGE.

This isn’t even to mention that Patty herself, ISN’T MARRIED.  I don’t know, seems to me like that might lend a bit of credibility to the whole thing if she was.  Would you hire a plumber who doesn’t have a plunger?

And her whole system for setting people up is also completely inane.  It basically goes like this:

1) Ask client what celebrity they think is hot.

2) Fill a room with super hot women and let the guy decides who he thinks is hot.

3) Let the guy go on a date with whatever girl he thinks is hot and say “she was my choice.”

4) Watch as guy and his hot date fail miserably and claim a 99% success rate.

I don’t know, seems to me like I could do her job.  What does she do, really?  She fills a room in LA with hot women.  Shit, that must be difficult!

Why do I continue to watch this show?  Is it just so I can complain about how stupid it is?

Probably.

Unfortunately, there are no clips available on Youtube of the bang-up job that the Daily Show did on those retarded tea parties.  Hopefully something will be posted soon and I’ll put it up here.

It’s really quite hilarious how fucking stupid the middle of this country is.  It’s like, these people are so used to getting fucked over by the top 1% they have no idea what’s even happening anymore.

My favorite part of the Daily Show bit was when John Oliver (British correspondent) was interviewing some of the brainiacs at one of these events.  The people he spoke to basically said that our government is more tyrannical than when the colonies were under the British Crown.

I mean…really?

How fucking stupid can these people be?

It’s also funny how quickly the people who used to be in power (the right) are now such whiny fucking bitches.  Obama hasn’t even been president for three months and apparently, he’s already the source of all of the problems in this country.

Anyway, I thought I had more thoughts on this but really, the Daily Show really did sum up everything better than I ever could.

http://whythefuckdoyouhaveakid.com/

I don’t have much else to say.